April 1st News update: Breaking news

At about 1:00 p.m. Friday big news broke low in the skies over Stockton sending hundreds of people fleeing in fear. The large breaking news event sent shards of smaller news raining down over a 8-mile radius over the city. The resulting chaos contributed to an exponential increase in emergency calls involving minor shoving matches, fender bender accidents, dumpster fires and cats stuck in trees.

Stockton Police Chief Eric Jones, Fire Chief Erik Newman and Mayor Anthony Silva held a quick press conference at City Hall to call for calm in the face of the disaster. “We don’t know what cause the breaking news but I’m sure that it wasn’t my fault,” said Silva.

While the minor calls for service were numerous, major calls were strangely absent. “There haven’t been any robberies, rapes, assaults, or homicides since the news broke” said Jones. “Nor major structure fires or automobile accidents, though we’ve had a high number of trip-and-fall incidents that required ambulance service for minor bumps and bruises” added Newman.

No one knows how or why the news broke or how to fix it, but the chiefs anticipate the breaking news to dissipate on its own in a day or so. The event has played chaos with the city’s 911 system but the upside is that there has been an increase of stranded cat videos posted to social media.

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