April 1st News: 2016 edition

Prank goes wrong

In a practical joke that went awry, teen singing sensation Hunter Hayes had his lip accidentally glued to his microphone during a recent concert in Stockton. Apparently, a member of his road crew applied superglue to Hayes’ microphone as a prank before the performance.

“We thought he’d get stuck during pre-concert sound checks and we’d all have a laugh but he (Hayes) decided skip the check to have dinner at Yasoo Yanis in downtown Stockton” said another crew member who only spoke under the condition of anonymity. “We forgot about it until the first song. Then we remembered as soon as he brought his lips to the mic. By that time it was too late to warn him.”

Hayes was a showbiz trooper, though. He continued through his 90-minute show and was even able to kiss the cheek of an exuberant fan who rushed the stage. After the performance he was taken to San Joaquin County General Hospital where the mic was removed without further incident or injury.


Police test new riot gear

The Stockton Police Department tested new riot equipment yesterday with mixed results. Giant inflatable bubbles were tried out by several officers at the department’s gun range near Rough and Ready Island at the Port of Stockton. The move to the new gear was an attempt to reduce costs due to budget cuts. While the spheres provided excellent protection, officers were able to run into each other and even fall to the ground without injury, the fact that they were unable to use their hands proved problematic.

“To make an arrest, officers would have to remove the bubble, thus exposing themselves to physical harm” said Police Chief Eric Jones. Additionally, several of the officers involved had to be taken to the hospital after nearly dying of embarrassment during the exercise.


Food photos now mandatory

Beginning today, taking pictures of food that you’ve ordered in restaurants will be mandatory. Governor Jerry Brown signed legislation that passed unanimously in both the state senate and the assembly that now requires everyone to photograph their meals.

“I love seeing a good steak or some steaming veggies on Facebook. I’m sure everyone does too” said Brown during a short signing ceremony held at Capitol in Sacramento.

The law also calls for the pictures to be posted to social media within 1 hour of finishing the meal. While there is a minimum of 1 picture per person, there is no upper limit that you may take.

For those who don’t take pictures of their food a fine of $10 will be imposed for the first offense, increase by $10 for every subsequent infraction. Social media privileges will be suspended after 20 infractions.


Ghost driver wins race

In a bizarre turn of events during the World of Outlaws Sprint Car Series at the Stockton Dirt Track, the spirit of Don Radbruch, the pioneer of sprint car racing, appeared in spectral form along with a ghostly version of his 1922 Noel Bullock race car just before the start of the qualifying laps of the event.

“He insisted that he should be entered in the race because the ‘father of sprint cars’ and that we wouldn’t have a sport without him, blah, blah, blah.” said driver Joey Saldana of Brownsburg, Indiana. “I agreed to let him race just to shut him up.”

“I figured ‘what harm could he do?’ After all he’s just a ghost. Boy, was I wrong,” said Andy Forsburg of Auburn. “He sped away from the start at an unnatural – a supernatural- speed. When he passed someone he didn’t go around them, he just passed right through them. It sent a chill down my spine seeing that.”

Veteran driver Donny Shatz of Fargo, North Dakota said “whenever anyone did manage to get close to him, blue-white fireballs would shoot out his tailpipe causing which ever car they hit to spin wildly out of control.”

Radbruch‘s ghost was the fastest qualifier with a lap time of 8.378 seconds. He also won every heat and was the winner of the finale.


That’s all from the 2016 edition of the April 1st News. Have a happy and pleasant April Fool’s Day.

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